Astrologically speaking...

I was born on the cusp of the Leo/Virgo star sign.  And I just had a birthday.  I turned 40...eeeek!  A huge milestone birthday spent sopping up baby puke...but thats neither here nor there...the whole point is that I wanted to talk about my star sign.

Part of my Leo-Virgo horoscope reads this:

"Decisive and direct, Leo-Virgo is sure they will succeed. They can exaggerate or overreact sometimes, but they are positive for the most part. They have a natural stubborn streak that prevents them from giving up on a hard task. They are cheerful and warm-hearted. They can be very selective and discriminating when needed. They make excellent students, and make sensible business decisions."

I'd really like to think that above paragraph is true about me.  I'm not a new age junky...I don't believe the stars determine my behavior or have mapped out a path for me.  I don't burn incense, but I do like scented candles.  Not that new age junkies all burn incense, but all the ones that I know burn incense...and just to back up my position a little I hail from Oregon originally and while its a great big generalization...that essentially means I know a LOT of new age junkies...or wannabes or have been hippies. 

And I adore their other-worldness...so no offense to any new age junkies reading this blog...

And whether I believe it or not...when I read the description of a person born on the Leo-Virgo cusp it is pretty much a description of me...or of what I perceive myself to be like.

And because this past week has really turned into me spending a lot of reflective time about what I'm doing, where I'm going, and how I'm going to get there...It has been interesting to break these things down and apply them to what I want out of life.  And in particular what I want out of life with the lapband. 

So, ultimately...what do I want?  I WANT TO BE HEALTHY. 

And my hororscope reads it will be true because...

I am sure I will succeed.

I am positive cheerful and warmhearted.

I am stubborn and discriminating.

I make excellent decisions.

The end.

When its not easy...

Up until this week I've had it pretty easy.  As in...easy to comply with what I needed to comply with to lose the weight.  I've carved out time for exercise without having to be too inconvenienced.  I've managed my meals without having to change up a whole lot or having to cook separately for my kids.  I've felt like I've had lots of support and encouragement.

Then last week arrived and blew it all out of the water.

My baby boy started teething molars.  It started with spit and snot and then came the fever and vomit and now finally a full body rash.

Turns out it wasn't just teething molars...right now the docs are thinking its a strep rash, but his first strep culture came out negative.

What does that mean for me?  Lots of little to no sleep nights...which translates to little motivation to exercise which translates to lazy butt syndrome.

Then my daughter started school..which started out fine...we had a good schedule and rhythm going and then I got the call...she got selected to be moved into a completely different class to lower class sizes and it starts at a different time than what she is currently in...

What does this mean to me?  Hours of scrambling trying to figure out new daycare, nanny hours, exercise options, dance classes, etc..etc..etc....which translates to emotionally tired and grumpy...little motivation to exercise...stress eating of CHOCOLATE...and, of course...lazy butt syndrome.

And those are just two examples of crazy out of the ordinary stuff that is going on right now that has made the last week really tough.  Its a week where I just wish my hubby was home to take just a tad bit of the load off...an extra hour of sleep...a phone call or two...dealing with the school...dealing with the vomit...Its a week that makes me write a "Dear Deployment" letter.  Short and sweet its basically this...

"Dear Deployment,

You suck.

Me."

And so for the last hour (because I just let the concious thought enter my head that today I've eaten an ENTIRE chocolate bar all by myself and I felt a little horrified by that...) I decided to take an hour of meditation and figure this out.

Because life isn't always going to be easy and I can't derail my progress every time I get thrown a curveball (or 12 curveballs at once!).  In fact, what I realized is that this is a huge reason I gained as much weight as I did.  Curveballs create emotional eating needs in me.  Its my coping mechanism to sit on my butt and eat chocolate so I don't have to DEAL with the other stuff. 

I mean...I eventually DO deal with it.  I'm efficient to a fault and it can be a real source of contention between hubby and I that I will frequently "just get it done" instead of letting someone else accomplish a task that was their task to begin with....  But before I become Miss Efficient...its all about soothing my anxiety with food.

So.  I'm declaring my independence today.  Independence from emotional eating.  During my meditation hour I realized that as much as I like to be spontaneous...sometimes the best idea is to have a plan.  So I've got a few...alternate plans for days that just don't end up the way we think they are going to.

I also gave myself permission to not be perfect in this lapband journey.  Don't get me wrong.  I've already "failed" at a number of things, but I don't want that guilt to translate to emotional eating...so if I miss a day of exercise it doesn't mean that tomorrow I need to eat a chocolate bar instead of exercising too.

And I'm trying to get it through my head that when life gets tough on the people we love (my kids and my husband etc) its just as important that I keep taking care of myself as it is that I take care of them.

Fat Tuesday Weigh in and the Bokwa Fitness Craze...

Exactly FOURTY POUNDS LOST!  Woohoo!

I had set a goal of 50 pounds by my 40th birthday....thats happening this Friday.  I don't think I'm going to drop another 10 pounds in the next 4 days so I've revised my goal.

The lowest I've recorded my weight in the past 10 years is 221ish pounds.  It was just after my first pregnancy.  My new goal is to make it or pass that number.  Thats about 3 pounds.  It will be an awesome gift to myself for my 40th birthday. 

BOKWA...

Heard of it?  Me either until this morning.  I showed up for my normal Tuesday morning Zumba class and there was a sign posted that instead we were getting an exciting opportunity to try out Bokwa...the newest and coolest fitness craze.

http://bokwafitness.com/

So the basic idea is that you are drawing letters with your feet...doing exercises that create an L or a C or other letters.

Pros...you are constantly moving.  There is no stopping between songs or anything like that.  It was a pretty good workout for that reason.  The music was good tempo music and the steps were pretty easy to pick up and learn.

Cons...it reminded me personally of the old 80's aerobic's classes...but I'm not sure if that was the moves or just my teacher, who if she'd been wearing on of those old thong leotards could totally pull it off...

It wasn't very high intensity...it was a pretty steady intensity through the whole thing...no real ups and downs that were noticed by me.

Not enough arm workout along with the legs. 

I'm really hoping they aren't going to cut my zumba classes and offer this instead.  I'll be supremely bummed.  I went the extra mile and left a comment card about the class...essentially saying the pros/cons that I noticed about the course. 

If you get a chance to try it you should...it would be a GREAT class for beginners just wanting to get moving...and I do see how you can jazz it up to make it more challenging, but what can I say?

I'm addicted to my zumba.

Closet cleanout

Normally about this time of year I pack up my summery clothes and start to pull out my winter wardrobe of oversized sweaters and comfy long sleeved shirts...otherwise known as a fat girl's paradise.

Part of this process includes sorting through my clothes to allocate them to the proper box.  The sorting process all depends on what size I was this time around...because at any given moment I will have 3 different sizes in my closet to accommodate "fat days, skinny days, really fat days, just want comfort days, self conscious about the belly days, need to look a little dressed up or just lounging around days.  Now granted I think probably most women have the same wide variety in their clothing options, but how many had them in 3 sizes just in case?

This girl.

I never get rid of the fatter clothes just in case next year I NEED them.  A girl's got to be prepared, right? And I could never count on sustained weight loss.  I just never knew if the pounds would stay away or pack back on.

Not this time.  Every pound that I've lost I'm waving goodbye to permanently.  So far about 40 of them.  I'm thrilled with that...and with 40 pounds has come the evolution of sizes.

So I cleaned out my closet.

And I'm staring at these clothes and saying to myself, "holy manadgia of all chooches...everything in my closet now fits."  I can't tell you how long its been since I've been able to open my closet up and just put on anything thats in it without fear of it being too small, too tight, too whatever!

So I've waved goodbye to those size 24, 22 and 20's...and have my size 18's all hanging up and folded and it feels GOOOOOOOD!

Extra bonus points too because I've eliminated a box (size 18 clothes) that I've been moving around with me for the last 10 years "just in case I finally lost that weight."  That box equals more CLOSET SPACE!  And I'm planning the most expensive shopping trip when I hit my goal! 

Grumpy McGrumpster checking in...

Oh man...what a week.  I've just been grumpy about a variety of things...

So this picture is my daughter a year ago when we were in Austria.  She apparently was less enthused by the beauty of Salzburg...and just wanted icecream.  I think it pretty much epitomizes how I've been feeling these last few days.

First...I hate Comcast Cable.  Five weeks ago I started complaining about an issue with my internet.  Today...I finally drag my kids for the 3rd time into the Comcast office and get told by the service technician supervisor that they couldn't have possibly hurt anything on their last unannounced visit to my home where a technician spent 90 minutes in my attic messing with wiring and instead my router must have magically gone bad on the same day and he'll send a technician out if I pay him SEVENTY dollars to do that. 

And help me if I didn't say, "I'm not paying you a damn thing."  Yes. I did.

And then he GAVE ME A LECTURE about how as a retired 1st sargeant he knows that to get respect I have to give respect.  At which point I interrupted him and said...oh right...the kind of respect you've given me by not returning calls and making me track you down over the last 5 weeks to get told this?

And lets just say it went downhill from there.

There is a reason I do not deal with customer service issues in our house.  My husband, the ultimate shmoozer, ALWAYS handles it because I get heated quickly and when I get heated things don't go well ususally.

At least I know this is a character flaw and I embrace it and really do TRY to keep my cool.

Today it didn't work.  Ok honestly...today I didn't even really try. 

But darn it all when I stomped out of that office if the first thing I didn't want to do was go running. 

AND THAT WAS LIKE GETTING ICECREAM! 

Just look at that smile.

I call this a huge improvement in my stress management techniques. 

Fill in the dark...

It was a dark and stormy afternoon as she arrived at the hospital.  The unsuspecting girl checked in for her appointment as usual.  She carried her sweating water bottle of ice cold water and was humming a Pitbull song to herself...Fuego, to be exact. 

They called her back into the office and took her vitals.  It seemed like all was well.  Lowest blood pressure in years.  She smiled at the thought that her health was improving because of all this good food and copious amounts of exercise she was doing.

Then they take her back into the procedure room.  The tray is not yet set up with all the goodies required for a fill.  They apologize and tell her that it wasn't noted on her appointment that she was supposed to have a fill..just that it was a follow-up.  She watches as they prep the needles.  All gigantic huge inches of them...

But having done this before she's not too worried.

They finish and tell her to sit tight because the doctor would be coming soon.

She waits.

Then suddenly the lights flash then go out. 

Darkness.

Complete darkness.

She fumbles toward the door and as she opens it a hand reaches in and touches her arm. 

She shrieks loudly...

Then the emergency lights come on and the bariatric nurse is doubled over in hysterical laughter.

Yup.  Fill #3.

Lights went out...they never did come back on in the procedure rooms...but they did have one room lit with the emergency generator and doc said although it wasn't kosher because the room was supposed to only be used for a certain thing...he was going to do the fill in there anyway...

The funniest part (other than me screaming when the nurse touched my arm) was that the exam table didn't have electricity to be raised so doc gave me a fill on a table that was about as high as his knees.

5cc's in this band now....such an adventure.

Zumba-liscious

When I was in college I decided to learn how to latin dance.  I LOVED it.  Every Friday night I would go out to a local club and shake my hips and let all these luscious rico suave latin men guide me around the dance floor. 

I learned quickly that all I really had to do was know how to shake the hips and follow.  Those expert dancers would samba and salsa me around the room and I had the time of my life.

Until *that one guy.*  You know...the one who fell in love with me...mad passionate latin love that is a hot flame, but burns out really quickly.  I'd managed to thwart any and all other attempts, but this guy was persistent.  I'd arrive to dance and he would monopolize my entire night on the dance floor...refuse others who wanted to cut in, threaten other men...it was turning into a dancing Jerry Springer episode.

So I broke his heart and told him I couldn't see him anymore.  Its actually quite comical that we only saw each other for 5 hours of latin dancing on each Friday night to start with, but what I meant is that I wouldn't DANCE with him anymore. 

So he asked for one last dance...I agreed...he whirled me away in a hot beat of dancing and at the end dipped me and LICKED MY FACE.

No...I'm not kidding you.  He licked me from chin to forehead then shouted at the top of his lungs, "SHE WILL ONLY BE MINE."

And that ended my Friday night latin dancing excursions...

But I believe that latin beat stayed in my heart...and occasionally I'd hear a little something and shake those hips a little...

And THEN...about a month ago I discovered Zumba.

BE STILL MY EVER ZUMBA LOVING HEART.

Yes, I know its been around for quite awhile, but I'd never actually taken a class.  I'd never even watched one of those infomercials that they have on tv when these things first come out and people get excited about it.  So it wasn't until I actually went to a zumba class that I realized exactly what I'd been missing.

Little known fact.  I was voted "MOST LIKELY TO DANCE AT RANDOM MOMENTS" at my last family reunion.  Its a title I hold dear to my heart and that I am very proud of.

And its true.

And Zumba...zumba zumba zumba is that sweet nectar of exercise that speaks directly to my inner dancing diva.  I'm here to confess that I've become a little obsessed with it.  I will go to zumba as often as I can. 

I started out 8 weeks ago attending Zumba on Tues/Thurs mornings for an hour.  Then I added in Monday/Wednesday evenings.  I just started up a Saturday class...

And today I found a new Zumba class they are doing at our local roller skating rink where I can take the kids and they can run and play while I Zumba.

Its a match made in heaven.

So my current exercise schedule is:

Monday
10-11:00AM - Zumba
5:45-6:45PM - Zumba

Tuesday
6:30AM - C25K (30 min)
9-10AM - Zumba

Wednesday
10-11:00AM - Zumba
5:45-6:45PM - Zumba

Thursday
6:30AM - C25K (30 min)
9-10AM - Zumba

Friday
6:30AM - C25K (30 min)

Saturday
10-12:30 - Zumba

Sunday
Recovery

What do you think?  8.5 hours/week of zumba too much? 

I'm telling all of you out there reading this...don't worry about the moves...the coordination...people laughing or anything like that...the Zumba nation (yes, I said nation) will accept you despite your uncoordinated flailing and flinging of body parts...and eventually you will figure out the routine and...

PARTY!

This blogvertisement is way better than an informercial right?

And I can honestly tell you that I have not ever...not one time...been licked at a Zumba class.  Thats enough to keep me coming back.

Cholesterol Doctors Suck.

I just stress ate 1/2 bucket of salt and vinegar Pringles. 

ARGHHHHH!

Here's my story...sad, but true.  I got a call a few weeks ago from my new doctor who told me to make an appt with this specialist guy to have my lipid panel checked.

In February when I was diagnosed with type II Diabetes I also was diagnosed with high cholesterol.  So, in addition to insulin I get put on cholesterol medications.  I hate meds.  I hate having to take them.  I hate feeling sick and thats what medication does to me. 

So, I go see this guy and he compares my first cholesterol numbers taken in February with my cholesterol numbers from 3 months ago...

Three months ago as in before the lapband surgery...before exercising or eating right...before any lifestyle changes at all.  the only thing I was doing differently was taking medication.

Now, it's important to this story that you know one of my big goals is to get off insulin and cholesterol medications...so I ask him about all the changes I've been making and he completely poohpoohed the idea that I would be able to go off these meds.  He essentially tells me that diet and exercise help, but only to reduce my cholesteral about 20% off my baseline (and the baseline is the high cholesterol that I originally tested with in February when I was diagnosed.)

Then he tells me how medications can reduce high cholesterol 30-50% off the baseline and because I'm considered a diabetic the levels that I am supposed to work toward are even lower than what a normal person should have for cholesterol because I'm at a higher risk for heart attacks/strokes/etc.

Normal - Under 200
Diabetic - Under 160
Me with medication only- 145

Normal LDL - 130-160
Diabetic - Under 100
Me with medication only- 124

He said it all so flippantly and nonchalantly...he tossed away any of my concerns about liver issues from taking a statin drug...he waved away my suggestion that going from 0 days/week to 6 days/week exercising...eating crap to eating right might have a bigger effect than what he was suggesting.  Then he said to just get used to taking the meds...it was unlikely I'd ever be able to go off them and then tells me about the lady who came yesterday who was a diabetic with managed bloodsugar levels and managed cholesterol levels who had a heart attack ANYWAY.

I don't think I could have gotten any more depressed than I was at that moment in his office considering my fate at age 39 just waiting for my heart attack to happen DESPITE all the hard work I've been doing.

And I left his office and I went to the store and I bought Pringles and ate 1/2 a bucket before I talked myself out of that depression.

And now I want to go in his office and KICK HIS BUTT.  And I want to tell him that while he may have years of experience watching people do XYZ he doesn't KNOW ME.  And if he EVER tries to bring me down again I'm going to open a can of WHOOP ASS on him.

The ONLY bright moment in this story is that I NEARLY bought a package of Dream Cakes (those fake twinkies...) I could have eaten the entire box before I managed to talk myself down...which I think would have wiped my 450 calorie Pringles binge eating out of the water.

And here is my final parting thought...

Fat Tuesday Weigh In

I love round numbers...227.0

Starting weight - 264.4

Today's weigh in - 227.0

Total loss - 37.4 pounds 

It's not optional.

My whole life dieting has been optional.  Eating right?  Optional.  Exercise?  Optional.  Weight loss? Optional.

It's not optional.  Not anymore.  Type 2 diabetes makes this journey no longer optional.  I have talked to a few people who think that this is just about not eating sugary foods...they couldn't be more WRONG.

My youngest sister was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes when she was 4 years old.  Way back in the 80's when they didn't have some of the improved testing and insulin equipment they have now.  I grew up watching her cry and hide when it was time for her insulin shots...I've watched her have extended hospital stays after her baby's births because of the complications her diabetes causes...this is all because her body is impaired in being able to make insulin....

Me...I did this to myself.  I hate saying that, but its true.  I went YEARS of feeling like my health was optional.  I could eat this...no big deal...I can do that...no big deal...I don't need to exercise...no big deal.  Well, its now a big deal.  I'm having to have serious talks with myself these days to remind myself and educate myself on what I have to lose if I make things optional.

My eye sight.

My feet.

My hearing.

My sense of touch through nerve damage.

My brain.

My life.

This isn't a scare tactic.  My uncle in law just passed from a stroke attributed to type 2 diabetes.  This was after he had both feet amputated.  I've seen first hand how this disease will kill if left unmanaged.  And he wasn't overweight either...this was just pure lack of interest...in thinking taking care of his health was optional.

I needed this reminder this weekend.  Weekends make me want EVERYTHING to be optional.  But I really worked at making sure I stayed in line.  I didn't always succeed...I ate too much dark chocolate and I didn't exercise today, but I also did a 90 minute zumba class on Saturday and made sure my meals were protein vegetable oriented.

I know its a process...I won't be perfect right away...but when or if you hear me complain...please remind me about how this is no longer optional.