For the first time...

Haters gonna hate, right?  All my life I've hated swimsuit shopping.  Hate.  I don't use that word lightly so you know I'm serious when I say I hate something.

Cute plus size swimsuits with support for big boobs...

Yeah...thats right...laugh away....basically what I'm saying is it doesn't exist.  Either you get form or function in a plus size suit. 

So, you can lounge around in a spandex covered underwire cinch girdle and be supported while you attenpt to frolick in the water...

Or all your girly bits and parts are flying and bouncing and jiggling and threatening to come out of that cute suit you found as you frolick in the water.

Ugh.

So its with awe that as summer is here I have begun to think about swimsuits again.  I'm going to suffer through this season with my awful old standby...but in November I am going to COZUMEL, MEXICO.

Yes.  Thats the hotel I'll be staying in and the water I'll be swimming in and the blue sky I'll be tanning under for a whole week!  Eeeeeeek!

If my goals are met (I'm on track!  6 pounds left for my June 9th goal!) Then I'll have lost 75 pounds by then and should be in a size 16ish???  I think?  I don't even really know...but that means CUTE SWIMSUITS!!!

So, I've put together a little show for you...

Swimsuits I won't be wearing...

 First...this white number is actually pretty cute in my opinion and it might work if I was less self concious about potential tummy issues and if there was just a tad more coverage on that bikini area.  Good grief...one little slip and you've just flashed the vajayjay to the entire beach.

As for this black little number...1.  My boobs would never stay in place.  2. Uhm...yeah...just so not me.  And I'd look ridiculous.  There would be lumps all over the place.

And now for swimsuits that I think are cute and who know...maybe I'll be sporting one???

 Adorable!  Coverage, but not overdone.  I love the ruffles and the way the halter top fits. 

 A monosuit thats still sexy!  Its got those cute places that look like cutouts, but even if they are the suit still covers enough that it wouldn't look like I was squishingout of it!

 Love love love this wide band brief and the cute top.  I also love that its got shoulder straps instead of a halter so the tatas aren't squashed.  Now to find it in a bright color. 

And a little retro cutie that makes a girl look like a pinup!  I've never dared wear horizontal stripes.  I may still not be ready for that, but this adorable suit might make me change my mind.

And the never again suit...

Thats right...no more shorts to cover as much as possible and the poofy bloused swim top thats supposed to hide the tummy.  I'll never have to buy one of these again! 

I can't wait to see what I actually end up in!

Weekend Away...

I spent the weekend in Knoxville with my cousin and his family.  I had intended to tell them about the surgery, but the topic just never came up. 

Like it would have been awkward and a very pointed, "I need to tell you about my surgery..." moment and I just didn't feel like I needed to do that.  Even still...things went really well in the food department.  I was able to eat regular food and small amounts.  I spent a lot of time chasing kids, at the pool, hiking in the Smoky Mountains, etc. so staying on track wasn't so much of an issue. 

As of today I have 7 pounds to drop before June 9th.  I think I can do it.  My first fill is going to be June 7th and its a liquid diet for a day so that will actually really help.  lol.

I did go for a long walk with the kids this morning even though I *really* didn't want to.  Thats one of the worst parts of all this...I know to succeed I have to make exercise part of my life...and I'm resisting at every turn.

Must get over that hurdle...

The plan...

Even though I knew before I did this surgery that the band would not be a magic pill for weight loss...I DID think it would be more restrictive from the start and I thought restriction would happen much quicker than it did.  My first band fill isn't until June 7th which means I can't count on that as my primary weight loss tool right now.

So...I've got to come up with a plan to get my body losing pounds on its own to meet those goals I just made.  I was going to do weekly weigh ins, but I've decided that my next weigh in will be on June 9th or it might be sooner than that if I hit my 25 pound goal early.

And that brings me to the thing that I try to avoid at all costs...or at least used to avoid...and now I'm going to ease into it and make it a lifelong habit. (That's my attempt at making it true through the power of positive thinking.)

Exercise.

I know the suspense was killing you.

So...my plan...

1.  C25K.  I'm going to finally do it...from start to finish.  But, I'm modifying it to start.  I'm going to do each week twice before I move on to the next step.  I want to make sure I'm ready...I don't want  to push my body too hard or I'll quit...and I want to learn to love running.  And then I'm going to buy a tshirt that says "running sucks" when I run my first 5K.

2.  Hula hoop.  Yup.  You read that right.  Hip action...ab workout...core workout...and did I mention hip action?  I have learned that hoops from a store are both too small and too light for an adult to hula in.  So I'm going to make my own.  I found a tutorial here on how to make a hula hoop out of irrigation pipe stuff.  Cheap and easy.  I can't wait!

So that's the plan...and in the spirit of the power of positive thinking...it WILL work.

100 pounds in a year?

I've been thinking about the future.  Usually that means I'm thinking about cold beverages and a lounging on the beach...or jetting off to Italy for a few weeks...that's how I picture my golden years going.  ha ha ha...

But, this time around I've mostly been thinking about how this weight  loss process is going to work for me.  From what I've heard and read...I am supposed to lose approximately 2 pounds/week with the lapband being a tool while I have to make good decisions about my eating habits.

So, I'm trying to gauge what my success is going to look like.  I have no reference point past about 220 pounds.  That's the lowest I've been in YEARS...like a decade.  Gaah! 

Did I really just say a DECADE? 

So, I set some goals for myself to keep myself on track.  They are pushing me a little harder than what the projections they tell us are supposed to be, but that's kind of the point of goals right?  Give yourself something to shoot for...work for...stretch your abilities?

So here is what I'd like to see happen...

Goal 1 - Lose 25 pounds by June 9, 2013.  That is my son's first birthday.  I've lost approximately 20 right now...so that gives me another THREE weeks to lose 5 pounds.  I think that's very doable.  Plus...if my scale is any indication...I may have gained back a pound or two this week.  Again...this eating thing is putting my body in a bit of a conundrum...its been used to starving.  This would leave me at 236.4 pounds.

Goal 2 - Lose 50 pounds by August 23, 2013.  That is my 40th birthday!  I would be skinnier than I've been since age 30.  (That's the decade I'm talking about...)  That would put me at 211.4 pounds

Goal 3 - Lose 75 pounds by November 13, 2013.  This is my daughter's 5th birthday.  Its also a week before I will see my husband for the first time in 9 months.  He is taking leave the last two weeks of November...so losing 75 pounds will probably make him walk past me because hopefully I'll be totally unrecognizable to him.  ha ha ha.  75 pounds lost will put me at 186.4 pounds.

Goal 4 - Lose 100 pounds by February 18, 2014.  This is my 8th wedding anniversary and also marks the one year mark of my husband's deployment.  So, it also marks an approximate date for his return home.  I also tried to take into consideration the holidays (Thanksgiving and Christmas) and the turkey and treats that will be bountiful and plentiful during this time.  100 pounds will put my weight at 161.4.

The nutritionist I've been working with said that the ultimate goal is to get my BMI into the normal range.  For my height 5'2" that means 135 pounds.  Is it just me or does that seem absolutely a ridiculously small amount to weigh? 

Doc says fine!

Public Service Announcement!  No fauxmitting for 5 days!  It's a record!

Doc says no problem with vitamins and dairy going adios...he also said, "wow!  15 pounds already?!"  Apparently thats big numbers in his experience.  Go me!  Of course then he said, "but weight loss via starvation and vomiting isn't exactly what we want."  

Pop!  My bubble burst....ego deflated...back to reality.  So I guess now it's the real test.  I can eat food. In a few days I can exercise.  Now will I STILL lose weight this week?

He checked my incisions and says they are healing really well.  Wanna see?

 

Much better looking than the last photo.  The scabbing is almost gone...just a thin red line.  Yay for good surgeons!

Week 3

Starting weight: 264.4
Pre-surgery weight (after a week of liquid diet): 261.6 (-2.8)
1week post-op weight: 249.3 (-12.3)
2 week post-op weight: 243.6 (-5.7)
3week post-op weight:  242.2 (-1.4)

The loss has slowed.  Probably because I am actually eating this week.  And honestly...I haven't been very smart about all that I put in my mouth.  With relatives visiting and Mother's Day there was an awful lot of eating out.  And while I "mostly" stuck to mushies I did eat the occasional real food...just chewed up a lot.

Plus, my mother in law baked cookies TWICE last week.  I'll blame it on her.  :)

Three Days Later...

It's stopped.  The pain, the fauxmitting, the crying.  I'm back to feeling pretty great and I love it.  What worked?  No more vitamins.  Less dairy.  I'm still not sure which was causing the issues, but I'm slowly adding dairy back and if I stay sans issue we know the culprit was the vitamins.

 I think it might have been a combination.

My Sherlock Holmes deduction methods reminded me that I've never been able to take a multivitamin even prenatal vitamins without making my tummy sick.  I guess I thought a B12 and children's chewable wouldn't have the same effect, but I was wrong.  I also discovered that most of my family cannot take vitamins without getting sick.

Then I was reminded that my dairy (and in particular milk) intake has probably quadrupled over the past four weeks.  Prior to this I occasionally had a glass of milk with tomato soup and grilled cheese or in a bowl of cereal, but with the requirement to drink protein shakes they were all made with milk! Plus the protein drink has whey in it....double whammy.

Funny enough I also discovered that the majority of my siblings do not drink any milk.  Go figure.

So, somewhere between the two it caused an awful gas buildup and the resulting fauxmitting.  I go see doctor tomorrow and I can't wait to say, "I figured it out on my own!  Boo yah!"

So, I'm going to need to get all my vitamins from food.  I think I can do that.  I'm looking at smaller blenders with to go cups, my sister is sending me both her raw eating book and her smoothie book.  I've purchased some Almond milk which has protein in it too and I'm learning a new way to eat.

If any ever tells me that lapband is the "easy way out" I'm going to fauxmit on them.

"Try This" List

Last night I ended up in tears.  Yes.  More drama.  It feels like my fear of being that lapband candidate that fails seems to be coming true.

I knew I would drop weight, but I feel like I'm starving myself  through nausea and this darn fauxmitting.

It's now been 4 days of this same thing.  So, after a good cry and a long talk with my mom I'm taking charge of my healing.

Try This List...

1.  No dairy (maybe lactose sensitive now?)
2.  No vitamins (multi vitamins make me sick...maybe children's chewable s and b12 are the same?)
3.  Liquid purée protein for more energy in the AM (purée chicken noodle soup)

I'm going to try this for the next week and see what happens...

Doc hmmm'ed about a possible gall bladder thing too.  So researching that is a must.

What else am I not thinking of???

Drama Rama.

I'm getting all paranoid about eating stuff.

Drama cooldown.

Its only been TWO WEEKS.

Two weeks is not enough time to get ANYTHING understood or squared away.

Ok...done kicking the patootie to cool the drama rama.

PS.  Doctor appt tomorrow because I had two more bouts of fauxmitting (dry heaves).  funny eh?  The fauxmitting word....not the dry heaving.  Made up compliments of my hubby.

Week 2

Well, it's officially been 2weeks since I lapbanded.

Starting weight: 264.4
Pre-surgery weight (after a week of liquid diet): 261.6 (-2.8)
1week post-op weight: 249.3 (-12.3)
2 week post-op weight: 243.6 (-5.7)

Total post-op loss - 18

Is it crazy that despite these weight loss numbers I'm still on the fence about this procedure?  I'm not sure if its really working or not.  Let me tell you what I mean...

Today I was supposed to be able to start eating mushies...but the truth is I can eat anything.  It all goes down.  I try and stick to the diet recommended, but when there is pot roast on the table and I'm sucking down cottage cheese I'm finding it incredibly difficult not to "cheat."

Then I wonder if its really cheating or not?  I don't know...it's not like I can never eat pot toast again, but they go to the mushies stage to continue the healing process so maybe I'm cheating my healing body?  Buh...it's all very mysterious to me still.  I think I should feel some kind of restriction, but I don't so meanwhile I stress about not doing it right or ruining my chances...gaaaah!

The good news is I did some research and read some articles and the reality is that until I get the first fill in the band I won't feel that restriction I'm thinking I should already have.

But in the meantime I eat very little because I think I should be, but I know I can't keep this up.  I'm already hungrier and craving real foods and what happens when I finally cave...or finish the next two weeks of "mushies" (that I will probably keep cheating on a little) and then I gain it all back.

It's one of those fears...the fear of failure.

So the next smart thing I did was find yet another success story and read it and remind myself that this is going to be a long process...both the weight loss as well as the brain change...seeing success and seeing changes and feeling success and feeling changes.

Oh miserable gas!

That stomach gas that keeps plaguing me came back last night.  That's 4times in two weeks making it every 3-4 days this dry heaving up air bubbles occurs.  This time it hit me while DRIVING!  On the freeway!  With my kids in the car.

I will never forget my 4 year old saying from the backseat, "oh mama!  Your tummy is hurting again!    Just throw up in that glass!" As we speed along at 70 mph.  It happened too fast to even pull over.

And while I'm not really throwing anything up the pain is overwhelming.  I'm going back to see the doctor on Friday to have him check some things out.  He said two things...

1.  This is not something that is caused because the band is in wrong or because its slipped or that there is something wrong in my abdomen.
2.  This is not normal behavior and he may want to do extra testing.

As usual, I woke up this morning feeling perfectly fine.  I really want to figure this out.  I think I've said it before, but this cannot be my norm.

Getting hungry...

I've hit the hunger point.  I don't want liquid anymore and it's killing me to sit and drink broth these days.  So last night I had a little fish and rice.  It was pretty dang good.  I have to be careful with experimenting...I'm skipping over the "mushies stage" and I know there is a reason they ask us to follow a specific menu schedule.

On Wednesday I can start yogurt, applesauce, puréed food, etc.  I'm super excited about that.  I'm trying to not let my life revolve around food...and really it doesn't until that hunger hits then I think of all the things I want to eat...not what I can eat.

Plus it doesn't help that the Food channel has been on TV lately.  Its like a punishment...I just watched a show about BBQ around the world.  Divine.

I ate a cheese stick!

I ate a cheese stick tonight.  I wasn't supposed to.  I'm supposed to be on a total liquid diet right now, but they allow cream soups and I just needed  wanted some other kind of sustenance.  I know someone who chowed on a ceasar salad at week one so it can't possibly hurt me THAT bad, right?

So anyway...i took great care to try and make it liquid...I chewed tiny pieces of that cheese stick up into the mushiest it could possibly get.

It was so good.

I was tired of soup.

I think I'll want to remember what I was eating clear back here at the start of my journey.  I mean I'm  really limited in my options...protein drinks, jello, pudding or popscicles (sugar free) and creamed soups with NO chunks.  so, here is a sampling of my diet...even if this is a little atypical because of my bout of dry heaves...

Today was a BIG food day for me...maybe because I ate nothing the last 2days?

Today's food:
1c. Carnation instant BF no sugar w/skim milk
1/4c. Butternut squash soup
2TBS sugar free pudding chocolate
1sugar free Popsicle
1string cheese

Yesterday's food:
1/8c. Carnation instant BF no sugar w/skim milk
1 sugar free Popsicle

Day before that:
1c. Carnation instant BF no sugar w/skim milk
3TBS butternut squash soup

1 Week Post Surgery Weigh-In...

I had my official doctor's visit today and based on their scale which matches pretty close to my scale...

Starting weight: 264.4
Pre-surgery weight (after a week of liquid diet): 261.6
1week post-op weight: 249.3

Wow!

12.3 pounds!  I know this rate of loss won't keep up but it was shocking to see that gone so quickly!  Feeling very good today about my choice to band.